"We'll sleep when we're dead." We've all said it, and it's a phrase successive generations of lawyers wear as a badge of masochistic pride. Hard work is part of the job, but when does commitment cross the line into self-sabotage?
Sam Shosanya, General Manager of FrontTier, the College’s leadership accelerator, has spent years coaching legal leaders through the patterns that keep them trapped in cycles of burnout and unfulfillment. His work reveals a liberating truth: you already know what you need to do to help yourself. The only question is whether you're ready to act.
We caught up with Sam to explore how lawyers can reclaim their boundaries, craft the conversations that lead to real change, and discover what it truly means to move from success to fulfillment.
Where have I mistaken exhaustion for excellence?
It’s no secret that a lawyer’s life can be demanding. Long hours and being busy can feel like competence. Pushing through, with a dose of wry dry humour is common. Exhaustion, however, isn’t the same as excellence.
Living in a state of constant exhaustion can prevent you from achieving excellence, simply because you’re too tired to challenge the status quo. When pausing to reflect, for self-care, can feel unprofessional.
"Self-care is understood and known, but it's often perceived as something that applies to other people, not to you," Sam explains. "The willingness is there. The good intentions are there. What's missing is the discipline to manage the consequences that come from actually prioritising yourself: the pushback, the guilt, the fear of professional trade-offs."
Those consequences? They're straightforward. Poorer health, work creep, and a sense you’re missing out on the time that matters most: time for your loved ones and yourself.
"You have to talk to people and set boundaries, to reset expectations, and a lot of the time, that can be seen as a weakness. What is required is a mindset shift. What if you considered setting clear expectations and boundaries as a strength – an act of courage - rather than a sign you’re not up to the grind law requires?”
Of course, this is easier said than done, and the reasons run deep into legal culture itself.
"I think some of it is possibly about how productivity is measured," Sam explains. "Billing accrues in a very tangible and very targeted way, especially when you think about billing by the hour."
But there may be something more insidious: a generational perpetuation of suffering as a rite of passage.
"I remember when I did my professional accountancy exams. I wanted the exams afterwards to be as tough as possible because it was tough for me," Sam admits. "There's that kind of expectation that's just what it takes which I think applies to the law as well.”
Does it really have to be this way? The ‘I went through it, and you can too’ mentality isn't just cultural residue. It can be actively reinforced by what organisations reward.
"It's almost an endorsed form of natural selection," Sam observes. "The ones who push through, whatever damaging behaviors they've engaged in to get to where they get to, are not only tolerated by the organisation, but they are encouraged and rewarded."
The disconnect between what firms say and what they reward creates a choice.
"People believe what you do, not what you say. If the people who get promoted are absolutely smashing themselves to get there, then as an organisation, you're rewarding unsustainable behaviour, not long-term high performance.”
Breaking this cycle starts with you. That's where the locus of control is. Circumstances arise; you control how you respond.
Success vs Fulfillment: Claim your non-negotiables
Real change begins with personal clarity.
"The starting point is introspection, just being clear about what your values are, what your priorities are, and how they align with those of the organisation," Sam explains.
Most lawyers have never done this work, not because they can't, but because they haven't given themselves permission.
"Often, what's missing for people is non-negotiables. What's acceptable is almost defined by what they consider is required to make progress. It's got nothing to do with what is truly acceptable to them, because they haven't taken the time to look inwards."
This introspection requires courage, but you already possess that courage.
"That often doesn't happen because it can lead to vulnerability. It requires vulnerability and humility to start that process. But once you're clear about your values, that will underpin how you want to live your life. Or put another way, what’s acceptable on this journey.”
Sam illustrates what's at stake with a cautionary tale.
"I’ve met senior lawyers who have become very, very wealthy. A lot of people would look at them and say, 'what a great career!' But I know that many of these lawyers regret not spending enough time with their kids."
Generally, the thinking is ‘either or’ but there are ‘both and’ opportunities to be explored with a mix of curiosity and determination.
It’s not an uncommon experience among senior lawyers. But it leads Sam to one of his most significant distinctions.
"I often make a distinction between success and fulfillment. Success is getting what you want. Fulfillment is wanting what you get. Ultimately, I don't think those senior lawyers wanted what they got - because what they got was all of the physical evidence of success and none of the spiritual, the soul fulfillment."
It all starts with tackling difficult conversations.
The art of the difficult conversation: Ask good questions
Armed with clarity about your values, you're ready for the practical work: having conversations with bosses and clients who expect constant availability. The good news? You already have the skills.
Sam has a remarkably effective technique.
"I often have a technique for my clients. You go to your boss and say, 'Look, I want to have a conversation about the work and genuinely how I'm feeling. Are you open to hearing that?' Everyone always says yes. So, then you've got permission to start that conversation."
From there, the structure matters enormously.
"The critical thing is it's always a question-based conversation. You don't start with statements. You start with questions so that you're trying to get a level of commonality before you diverge."
An example: How do you feel about the way this organisation operates in terms of hours and expectations?
Sam explains why this works. "It's an inquiry question. It's often not easily answered because even senior people haven't taken time to think about it."
Even with resistant managers, questions open doors.
"If the boss is really resistant, my advice would be to ask them: 'How do you want me to approach you with topics that are potentially controversial or difficult to discuss, but are important to me?' You don't give them the opportunity to just say no, because the assumption underneath that question is that there's a way."
Taking a similar approach with clients can prove transformative. It's the same process. Start by establishing a baseline, for example saying to a client:
What is appropriate in your world? Let's have an explicit conversation about that. Once I can understand what's appropriate in your world, hopefully you'll realise that it's only appropriate to impose the same expectations on me and my team that you would impose on you and your team.
This isn't about rigidity. It's about professionalism.
"You’re not being inflexible. You’re establishing a baseline, so when there's emergencies or urgent matters, we'll dial up or dial down because our focus is to serve you. But it's not to be in constant crisis."
Buy yourself permission to think
Beyond conversations, Sam offers strategies you can implement immediately. The first is deceptively simple: give yourself permission to think.
"What I often say is ‘you need to buy yourself time to think about who else can help’," Sam says. "Because often you're so busy doing, you don't have time to reflect. And it almost feels like cheating to reflect because there's no billing hours connected to that."
Reflection isn't cheating. It's what leadership looks like. It’s how you find the creative space for more strategic solutions.
The second strategy is delegation that multiplies your impact. Sam shares the example of a partner who transformed her approach to thought leadership.
"Initially, she thought she should write all the thought leadership herself. But looking at her team, she realised there were team members who were proximate to research because they were quite recent university graduates. She ended up exceeding targets because she used the collective capacity of her team and everyone’s collective knowledge and skills."
However, to effectively delegate, you need to let go of perfectionism and accept that certain tasks may only need to be 80% as good as what you would have produced for it to be acceptable. If it's 80% there, that's likely good enough. Move on from there because it will improve over time.
Sam clarifies: "This is not the same as saying you can be 80% right on the law. There are minimum standards that have to be met. But for marketing or administrative tasks, you have to know when that perfectionism matters."
Sam’s third strategy shifts you from reactive to proactive.
"Most of the time, when you look at people's urgent issues, they are generally a function of someone not doing something when they should have done," Sam observes.
The solution? Have a protocol in place to prepare for the unexpected.
“Try having a session, well in advance of any issues arising, that workshops potential problems. Look at the risks that are likely to crystallise. Talk in advance about how you might avoid or prepare for those things.”
The truth at the heart of Sam's work: you're not helpless in a system you can’t change. You have agency, expertise, and the ability to advocate for yourself as powerfully as you advocate for your clients. You're just waiting for permission that only you can give.
The question isn't whether change is possible. It's whether you are ready to use the skills you already possess to create the career, and life, you actually want.
Remember self-compassion because the goal is progress, not perfection.
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